Poelloons

American Literature

Kit Schleifer

Dear Poe, you wanted to write about one thousand years in the future and balloons were the best you could do. I’m incredibly disappointed. Also, the only balloon hoax I’ll ever acknowledge as funny is “99 red balloons.” Yours may have happened, but the one I like caused a war. How’s that for imagination, Poe?

In all seriousness (that’s a lie) the only thing that I gave any time to is Poe’s “detective” story. First of all, how can he just diss chess like that? It requires imagination just as much as checkers and whatever boring thing he mentions. The “elaborative frivolity of chess” doesn’t stand up to the lackluster game of checkers, but an orangutan as the murderer is incredibly serious and creative. The moves of checkers are unique thought, and by unique Poe must mean either forward or forward but like slightly a different forward…. However, I will admit that I do admire how Edgar Allen Poe can waste so much space by adding a useless opinion about games to the beginning of his writing. It inspires me to add more garbage filler to my own writing. Like the fact that each time I read “Howdy, Kit Schleifer” on Freedoms Hill Primer I die a little on the inside. See that means nothing to anyone, but it sure as (heck) gave me a good 50 words.

I’ll also mention that Poe’s “The City in the Sea” has a line that says, “No rays from the holy heaven come down,” and if you ever want to know what that feels like then just wait for one of those TikTok ads to appear. In fact, if you want to just hurry up with the self-harm then watch a TikTok cringe compilation at 4 in the morning, (This was an intermission)

Getting through this story is great, because on the way each one of us became quite knowledgeable on Persian rulers and stones that make up sidewalks. After wasting more time, Poe finally opens a paragraph with “EXTRAORDINARY MURDERS.”  Basically, two ladies get murdered brutally and Mr. detective dude is the only one who can use his creative checkers brain to figure out who done it. After coming up with lots of people who were in the area and listening to testimonies it turns out that a balloon killed them. I mean an orangutan but based on Poe’s record I am shocked that he missed the chance to kill again with the balloons. So, after talking about boardgames, bricks, and burglaries, we just end up finding out that our entire lives are wasted because someone decided to create a murderous orangutan who just wanted to help the world shave. Maybe I’m exaggerating because I can’t think straight, but I won’t ever have to read this again so it’s fine. Dear God, may I meet the same fate as Pundita or whatever lame name Poe gave him.

No one should read this part because I’m just using it to get to 600 words. My idea of future travel consists of elves. Elves that first chop the human body in half and then sprint at a very fast pace in opposite directions until they meet at the place you desire to be. This future also requires humans adapting so that their bodies can be cut in two. Elves need to cut us in two because they’re too weak to carry whole humans. If you don’t like travelling then don’t worry, because, by 2848, humans have attained a hive mind. Want to travel somewhere fun? You’re already there my dude. We’re everywhere. Together. With elves.